Things I've Learned About Mothering Lately

The hardest and the best parts of my life have to do with being a mother. I love my boys so much, but I'm also often frustrated, short-tempered, and selfish. I have my moments where I know I'm doing a good job, but all too often I also know I'm falling short.

My parenting has come under a microscope since we moved to Ridgecrest. I didn't realize how much of that burden I shared with so much family around. Now it's just me and the boys, all mommy all the time. I've become a lot more aware and have begun to parent a lot more consciously--and I am very aware of my shortcomings.

As I've struggled to become a more Christ-like mother, I've learned some things lately I want to record for myself. This is going to be a very public list of what feel like my private pitfalls, but maybe someone else out there struggles with the same things I do...

In any event, here's my current list:

1. Nurture.
   When I've thought about being a stay-home-mom and what that means for the division of responsibility in our family, it was something really vague like this: Omar goes to work and makes the money, and I stay home and take care of stuff here. I cook, I clean, I take care of the boys, I make sure everyone eats, I buy groceries and schedule play dates and do the laundry, read to my babies, play games, clean, clean clean.
   
   A couple of weeks ago I was reading through the world-wide leadership training that came in the Ensign. In President Packer's address he talked specifically about each part of the Proclamation on the Family. As I read
   

   By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

   
   I suddenly realized I had my division wrong. Not completely, but just enough.
   
   Frequently, when I lost my patience with my little ones, it was because I was so focused on cleaning and cooking and the long to-do list I had in my head, and they were making it take longer or not get done at all. Really, my focus needed to be on nurturing them, and everything else I had piled on was supposed to be part of taking care of that, not the end in itself. When I shifted my focus to nurturing them, it made a huge difference in my attitude, our happiness, and the Spirit in our home.
   
   That's probably obvious, or should have been, but it wasn't to me.


2. Leadership
   Omar and I were asked to speak in Sacrament Meeting last month on the topic of Christ-like leadership. At the time of the assignment, I thought it was kind of a funny topic, but as I prepared my talk, I discovered that the Lord was aware of my struggles as a mother, and had sent me exactly the topic I needed to grow and find comfort.
   
   Before this talk I hadn't thought about what I was doing in terms of leadership. I have had a lot of experience in leadership roles in my young life, and I felt like I was pretty good at taking charge and getting things done. However, I had missed two important points. Although intellectually I know that we are supposed to follow Christ in everything we do, I had never thought about it in terms of leadership. And somehow in all my busy day-to-day I had forgotten to think of my role as a mother as being that of a leader. As I studied for my talk, both of the these points became key in my personal growth.
   
   I read may good articles on the subject as I was preparing, but one by President Kimball called Jesus: the Perfect Leader seemed to speak directly to my soul. President Kimball focused on 5 points that I applied to motherhood as my talk. They were:
   
   
   
   1. Christ led from a place of fixed principles.
   
   
   2. He was unfailingly understanding and loving
   
   
   3. He was selfless
   
   
   4. He delegated meaningful responsibility
   
   
   5. He always used his time wisely
   
   
   
   Fixed Principles
   Because he was on solid ground, he was able to lead from a position of strength. This inspired our family to set a family home evening to talk about what the principles were we would run our family on, and establish some basic family rules. No when someone is violating one of the four rules, it's much easier to talk about the problem and how to fix it.
   
   This idea also helped me to parent with a purpose. Once I had thought about this, it was easier for me to try and think about my reactions, and how I planned our time, and what we did in terms of our real goal: of being a forever family and following Christ. It gave me a framework in which to think about the millions of decisions and moments that had seemed so overwhelming every day. I wasn't just reacting, I was leading. (Or that was the idea. Still working on that...)
   
   And because Christ operated from fixed principles his was a leadership of "come follow me." Do what I do, not do what I say. Don't yell at each other, don't leave messes, be kind, help, eat your vegetables, no cookies before dinner.... I need to do all those things better, too.
   
   Understanding & Loving
   Christ perfectly loved everyone he came in contact with. He could listen without being condescending, and he could reprove his disciples and maintain a good relationship because they knew He loved them.
   
   He was also perfectly patient. I LOVED this quote from President Kimball:
   

   Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual.

   
   My kids are never being bad because they are evil and want to follow Satan (very few people ever do things for this reason--including me). When I focus on the needs behind the behavior, I get a lot further than just trying to correct the behavior. If only I could remember this all the time... When I do I finally understand how disciple and punishment are not the same thing.
   
   Selfless
   Some days it feels like this is my biggest struggle. President Kimball said selfish leaders, "make harsh demands of life and others in order to meet their demands." I want things done a certain way, and I am too often harsh demanding that they be that way.
   
   He also said manipulative leaders are selfish. And that, "One of the problems with manipulative leadership is that it does not spring from a love of others but from a need to use them. Such leaders focus on their own needs and desires and not on the needs of others." I can definitely feel that truth in that as I try to manipulate obedience.
   
   And the final nail in my coffin of selfishness, selfish leaders make decision, "Seeking to stop the present pain, creating even greater difficulty and pain later." How many times do I just give in to a fit, or hand out a cookie, or...
   
   Keeping a long-term perspective is difficult, and certainly does require present pain a lot of the time. Being unselfish in my parenting is a constant, and necessary struggle.
   
   Sharing Responsibility
   The whole idea behind leadership is that you are trying to help people grow and get somewhere better. Christ gave his followers important and specific assignments for their growth. It's a lot easier to do everything myself. It's much easier to just clean the toy room the way I want it to be, or run family night myself, or make everyone's beds. But to lead the Christ, I have to delegate and teach.
   
   He also patiently helped when those he gave assignments to struggled. Like when the apostles couldn't cast out the devil in a suffering person. He didn't go do it for them, though he certainly could of. Instead he told them how to correct what they had done wrong and do it again.
   
   Wise with my Time
   As I honestly reflected, I realized a lot of my stress came from using my time unwisely. President Kimball said leisure to renew and reflect was good. Wasting time wasn't. As I try to follow the Savior and actively parent and fill my days with not time wasting activities, I get a lot more fit into a day, am more patient because I have a greater portion of the Spirit, and I'm less frustrated. Again, I wish I could say that I now never waste any time and have become perfect. Alas, that is not the case.


3. Loving v. Problems
   As I was watching the Sunday morning session of General Conference, something President Monson said hit me with great force,
   

   Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.

   
   I realized that in my impatient disciplining, that was often what I was doing. I was focusing on the problem instead of the little one I needed to be loving. This phrase runs through my head a million times a day now, when things are spilled, or someone is disobeying, or bed time needs to happen. It's given me a way to constantly remind myself what really matters, my boys and loving them. The problems needs to be dealt with, but not in a way that undermines loving them.
   
   I'm so grateful for an inspired prophet.


4. The Atonement
   As I become more and more aware of my weaknesses I also become more grateful for my Savior. I am daily reliant on His grace and mercy. If I keep doing my best, despite all of my huge errors, through his amazing atonement He will make up what I lack. And because of His grate love and sacrifice I can fall down daily, turn to Him in repentance, and try again.

And that's what I've been learning lately.